Transforming Me vs. You to Us vs. The Problem
Let’s start here: I am a respectful pupil, and my response to feedback is “thank you” 99% of the time. The people in my life who are providing feedback (mentors, teachers, peers, advisors, friends, family, etc) are often offering their advice or expertise in order to make me better or make something I am creating better in some way. Do I listen to their feedback? Always. Do I implement the feedback? Sometimes. Depends on what it is. But I always take it into consideration. I am greatly appreciative of those who take the time to offer feedback and see potential in me.
Has it always been easy to accept advice? Nope. Sometimes it’s really humbling, or hard, or sometimes you’re not in the right headspace to receive feedback, but I am always mindful of my response. I will say, not all feedback is constructive. I can count on one hand how many times someone has truly given me non-constructive criticism. And unfortunately, an experience I had last week adds another finger to that list. So I’d like to dissect this in hopes that whoever is reading this may be able to distinguish (and respond mindfully) to non-constructive criticism.
First, let’s define what constitutes “non-constructive”:
A lack of rapport with the person. I think for feedback to be constructive, there needs to be a level of rapport. Maybe I’m saying this because I wasn’t necessarily criticized for my lack of skill, but rather, lack of perceived effort. This would be understandable if it were true—if I didn’t put effort into my creation. But this is far from the truth. I believe if this person and I had adequate rapport, they would know that I care so much about my skills, my growth, my output as well as my journey. It makes me think of that quote by Robert J. Hanlon: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” Not that I am stupid, but my skill level with this new software I am using is just building sooooo slowly. I am trying to be patient with myself, but truthfully, I have been having a difficult time. And then, it felt like my lack of skill or effort was being attributed to malice rather than the fact that I am just straight up struggling with it. LOL. Quite unfortunate.
Specificity. Constructive feedback is clear. It is actionable. Specific. Non-constructive feedback is vague. It will leave you guessing where to go next. What to improve. How to improve.
Tone. Delivery. Constructive feedback, while it may be difficult to hear, should always be respectful. If done well, you should leave feeling encouraged to persist. Non-constructive feedback may feel like judgement or may feel discouraging.
Mindfulness. True constructive feedback is given in a mindful environment. Not to say we are always given the perfect opportunity or environment to offer feedback, but if we have the means to provide negative feedback 1:1 rather than in public, then my goodness, provide it 1:1 lol. It’s just so much more respectful.
I suppose I will shed light on the actual scenario and then get into my response and why I think it was appropriate and worthy of sharing with others.
The Scenario:
I had 2 weeks to work on a project for school. I spent the 1st week racking my brain trying to figure out my concept, and the 2nd week finding the right audio and planning the visuals. I tried about 6 different techniques, but ultimately hated 5 of them, and the 6th just wasn’t feasible with my computational power. Ultimately, I settled for a visual that resembled something we had learned in class. I ended up turning in the assignment and just feeling so defeated and disappointed because I had really high hopes for the output and I just couldn’t make it happen. This led to me going on a drive to cool off and collect myself before presenting the following day.
The following day, I presented my work in front of the class. I made sure to explain all the different techniques I experimented with and why they didn’t end up making the final cut. When I finished my presentation, my teacher started out her feedback by saying she liked my choice in audio, but the visuals were too similar to that of the in-class tutorial. And the output didn’t reflect 2 week’s worth of work. I know the feedback got worse and went on for a few minutes, but honestly, after the first couple sentences she spoke (out loud) (in front of the class) (lol), I started to disassociate. And not in the negative, numb way, but more in the way of “what would make future Marisa proud in this moment?” type of disassociating. I turned my thoughts to “this is temporary”, “smile and wave, boys”, “stand up straight”, “maybe start listening to the feedback again”, “oh wow she’s still giving feedback and honestly it’s pretty brutal I think I’m going to go back to disassociating.”
My Response (public):
While I wasn’t going to just accept the feedback as truth, I knew that starting a dialogue in front of the class was not going to go well. I allowed my teacher to finish her thoughts without any interruption. I think my body language and facial expressions were communicating openness and something far from defensiveness but, without a mirror, who really knows what their face is up to? Oh, people know? And people who don’t have *pauses to google this really quickly… “alexithymia”. I have thattttt. Perfect. Anyway. I did refer back to the slide showing my multiple other attempts, but I said “I hear and understand your feedback”, and then opened it up to feedback from my peers.
My Response (private):
After my presentation, I had another hour of listening to others’ presentations. So needless to say, I had a bunch of time to decide what I was going to say in private to my teacher after class. I was initially thinking that I needed to explain how many other things I tried and why they didn’t work, but after about 30 minutes of thinking on this, I realized that 1. it would sound defensive, 2. it would sound whiny, and 3. I legit already explained that in my presentation and it didn’t land. By the time class ended, I had my response ready. Here it is outlined conceptually:
Ask if it is a good time to talk. (really don’t want to have this kind of convo when someone is in a rush)
Reiterate that their feedback was heard and understood. (aka no need for repeatsssss pleaseeee, spare me lol)
Us vs. the problem. Not me vs. you.
So here’s what I said:
”Do you have a moment?”
Agreement.
“I heard your feedback about my project. I understand what your feedback meant, and I wanted to touch base with you one on one”.
“After hearing your feedback, I have some concerns about my ability to be successful in this class. I care so much about my progress with this skill, and I don’t think I’m on the path to success at the moment. What can I do to be successful?”
The beauty in this response (an hour later) is that it poses us on the same side looking at the problem. If I had said what I wanted to initially (defending my opinion), it would have kept us on separate sides. Me vs you. But, this response after class shifted it to, “I need you on my team. How can we make this happen?”
Why I think this is worth sharing with others:
Academically or professionally, we will come across many people who are quick to judge. Especially in the design world. If you think you can “I am right” your way foward with brute force and stubborness, be my guest. But my golly, that will never be my choice. I would much rather have an Us vs. The Problem scenario, and that involves letting go of the ego, having difficult conversations, and being a smidge vulnerable by saying “maybe I don’t have it all figured out, can you help me?”
So. Here’s to being vulnerable. Here’s to being direct. And here’s to getting a damn brownie post-conflict and just moving on.
